The ‘operation’ game

September 2015

So if someone told you to ‘open up your mind’

I wonder just what we’d find

If all our musings and our memories were spread out onto a page,

If all our inner passions and our fears were free from their cage,

If all the love that we hold so dear-

And all the hidden darkness

And all the rage

Were carved into the earth

Tattooed onto the dirt,

The pain that we conceal

And the plastered up hurt

The days we spend indoors

And the comfort of silence re-learnt,

What would we see?

 

I’d see a cyclical pattern of peaks and troughs-

Like energy and happiness

Is switched on and off

Tampered with

And thrown onto the rocks,

Hit by the crashing tide

Or the gentle breeze,

So soft.

The nature of my mood wired into a box-

The voltage too high,

The surge of panic attacks and shock.

The suddenness with which my mania strikes,

Like a lightning bolt focused on me from the sky,

Like my whole life is a child playing

‘Operation’

But they keep buzzing all the metal bits on purpose.

 

Sirens sound in my head,

The anxiety rises,

I can feel it in my legs.

The rush of power-

Feeling so inspired,

I can feel it in my chest.

It makes me think

‘I need to run’

‘I need to go’

‘I need to do something- anything’.

Anything.

Anything.

Anything.

But all that does, outwardly,

Is lead to conversations going at 100mph-

I’m bouncing off the walls,

Standing on chairs in cafes, tall,

Phonecall after phonecall,

An urgency to do things,

Feeling constantly on edge,

Signing up to a million different societies,

Taking a charity pledge.

The toxic state of conversations with my parents-

Everything leading to an explosive argument,

And tears wept.

 

Truly, it feels like highs and lows-

But both episodes are dark times

Plagued with an itching to roam-

Depression calls its listeners to disappear-

Fading into nothingness,

Matching their capabilities and sense of worth.

While manic episodes demand that we inherit the Earth-

An energy unlike anything else is birthed.

That we seize every opportunity,

Without thinking it through first.

 

But this fleeting high gives way to an unstable path

Of recklessness and panic-

In hopeless anticipation,

I wait for that inevitable surge –

The natural,

caffeinated,

kick

in my brain,

Telling me that Home Time has come early again.

 

But the part about it all which hurt the most-

Was that no one else was seeing what I was seeing.

With rose-tinted glasses,

And an unending feel of hope-

Over-inspired and unable to cope.

Reality hit like a knife in the back,

Reminding me of the sense of calm that I lacked.

 

So I pressed pause on my degree,

And sought to fix up for a year.

And now I’m back on my feet,

The clutter in my mind is finally clear.

I can take a step back from it all,

And look on as an observer,

And say that there is a calm

After the passing of the storms

And a day when it will all be over.

 

When you’re in the belly of the beast-

Anxiety closing in from every direction,

It can be so easy to let hope cease.

But ride it out until you’re standing on that shore,

And the crashing tides no longer bother you anymore.

 

So if someone told you to ‘open up your mind’,

I wonder just what we’d find.

Let the calming sight of the setting sun

Guide you home,

And may you find peace within your bones.

These throbbing pulses within our veins

Remind us that we are human,

And the vastness of the emotion which we contain.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s